AUBURNT

Tainted.

2012-02-13T14:00:00.002+08:00

I dont even know what to keep writing in this space anymore. Just like how the saying goes, what mattered doesnt anymore. The art of letting go, maybe? In any case, its okay if no one chooses to care. I'm numb to it anyway.

School's starting in about two months for me and I bet the road aheadwould be a long, rocky one but i guess i'll pull through it. Great things are just round the corner, am hoping for a good week ahead. Ciao xx

Repost.

2012-02-03T10:29:00.002+08:00

"Never bend your head. Always hold it high. Look the world right in the eye." - Helen Keller

DEAR HIDAYAH,
I KNOW THAT YOU HATE PEOPLE COMFORTING YOU... IT MAKES YOU FEEL WORTHLESS... SO WHAT?! YOU CRITICIZED YOURSELF LIKE 10 TIMES IN YOUR BLOG POST, SO THAT MEANS I AM ENTITLED TO CRITICIZE YOU.

1)STOP BEING SO NEGATIVE! I WOULD LIKE TO PRESS THE BUTTON AND REPORT ABUSE... TOO MUCH ABUSE ON YOURSELF! YOU ARE SMART BUT YOU JUST DIDN'T MAKE THE SMART CHOICES. YOU ARE NOT UGLY! IN FACT YOU ARE QUITE PRETTY OKAY! YOU ARE BEAUTIFUL AND THAT ALL MATTERS! AND ITS OKAY TO CRY! CRYCRYCRY! JUST CRY! IT MAKES EVERYTHING BETTER.

2)WHAT F***ING WALLS YOU TALKING ABOUT NOW? IF THEY BROKE THROUGH, JUST REBUILD THEM! YOU KNOW THE STORY OF THE 3 LITTLE PIGS? IT TOOK THEM THREE TIMES TO MAKE THE BADDEST BAD ASS WALL THERE IS!

3)EH GIRL... COME ON LAH... NO ONE CAN HEAR? WHAT ABOUT ME? WHAT ABOUT JIE QI? WHAT ABOUT YOUR FAMILY? NO ONE CAN UNDERSTAND? THERE ARE OTHER PEOPLE WHO WEREN'T POSTED AS WELL COZ' THAT CERTAIN SOMEBODY ONLY US UP 3 OF THEIR 12 OPTIONS. IDIOT.

YOU ARE GOING TO APPEAL RIGHT? THEN I WISH YOU ALL THE BEST. I PRAY YOU GET INTO A COURSE. WHEN YOU GET INTO IT, STUDY LIKE A MOFO. IF YOU NEVER GET IN ANY COURSE, THEN TOO BAD. SHIT HAPPENS, LIFE GOES ON, ITS NOT THE END OF THE WORLD. EITHER YOU RETAKE OR YOU GO WORK. IF YOU DO RETAKE, I WILL BE THERE FOR YOU TO TRY MY UTMOST BEST TO TEACH YOU. IF YOU WORK, WHICH I DON'T RECOMMEND AT ALL, DO YOU THINK YOU CAN SURVIVE WITH WHAT? $1000 PER MONTH? YOU NEED TO PAY BILLS, FOOD, RENT & SUPPORT YOUR FAN-GIRL LIFE.... I KNOW YOU ARE ONE HECK OF A STRONG GIRL, BUT YOU GOTTA KNOW WHEN TO BE VULNERABLE... DO WANT TO BE A VOID OF NEGATIVE ENERGY ALL YOUR LIFE?

I GUESS AFTER YOU READ THIS, YOU FEEL THAT I AM A FUCKING BASTARD AND FEELING LIKE SLAPPING ME. WHAT YOU BURIED I HAVE DUG IT OUT. I CAN'T BLAME YOU. THIS ARE MY DEEP INNER THOUGHTS TO YOU MY FRIEND. JUST KNOW THAT MY HEART IS IN THE RIGHT PLACE. I ACTUALLY WANTED TO JUST GIVE YOU A MESSAGE OF STRENGTH, BUT I FELT THAT I SHOULD LET MY THOUGHTS FREE... MY THOUGHTS COULD BE HURTFUL, BUT I DIDN'T MEANT IT TO BE HURTFULLY IN ANYWAY. ACCEPT THEM IF YOU WANT OR IGNORE THEM IF YOU WISH. I WISH YOU ALL THE BEST FOR THE NEAR FUTURE AND PRAY THAT YOU REALLY DO GET A COURSE. HOPE YOU HAVEN'T GIVEN UP! HOPE TO MEET UP SOON AND JUST PLAINLY CHAT.

P.S. I LIKE THE ENDING... LOL.
P.P.S I FELT LIKE DOODLING.

"Our real problem, then, is not our strength today; it is rather the vital necessity of action today to ensure our strength tomorrow."Dwight D. Eisenhower

FROM YOUR DEAREST FRIEND CLOSEST TO THE HEART,
DZULHILMI.

REPOST:

I don't even know what to feel anymore. You, writing this is a major insult to me. I don't need sympathy nor pity. But great, since you've blogged it out telling me about my field of negativity thats in me, let me make it clear that I chose to bring myself down like this. Does it come off as surprise to you? Perhaps, maybe not. Feel free to report abuse, at most I'll be losing my rights to blog just because I can't post out my self-destructive and suicidal posts. Stupid huh? The best is just, just leave me alone. If you're asking me to cry it all out, then can I tell you how many times I've cried myself to sleep and cried pathetically to myself? I bet even you will lose count. DONT. Dont even use the word family on me. Leaving my mum as an exception, no one gives a shit. Having no school to begin with is a hurt that pricked me most. But now, it doesn't matter anymore. The self-proclaimed being that wanted to make a name out of herself, eventually gave up. I have reined in. I do appreciate your concern towards me but honestly speaking, those words you typed came out from someone who's never dealt such ultimate humiliation in life. You, have a bright future ahead and if you're telling someone who's future is bleak and gloomy, save your words dzul. Really, just save it.

I hope we'll meet up someday. x

PYSCHOPATH

2012-01-30T12:45:00.002+08:00

My first tear rolled as I begin this post.

Why me? Stupid girl. When you are sitting on your bed venting all these frustrations with tears flowing down your ugly face, who the fuck give two hoots about it? Stupid girl. Wake the fuck up. No one cares about you. You are fucking ugly and stupid. No wait, more than stupid. You are an idiot. Stupid idiot. Literally. You are the cause of your own plight now, no more no less. Don't even start to point fingers.

It's like I'm screaming and no one can hear.. No one will ever understand how much it hurts. I feel hopeless, like nothing can save e and when it's over, its gone. Didn't know that I was so lousy. Those walls that I have been building up, finally broke though. At night I lived it all, all over again. I am hopeless, I really am.

The art of getting over something as fast as possible. The art of......... Thank you so much.
Puffy eyes, let's sleep.

2012-01-16T13:46:00.003+08:00

Maybe I'm a little sad. Sometimes its too hard to smile. Sometimes there's nothing to smile about. What do you do when everyone is moving and you aren't? I'm stuck. I don't know what to do. I never knew what I had to do. I don't think I'll ever know what to do. Sometimes it's easier to hide under covers and ignore everyone.

A rivulet of emotions.

2012-01-16T13:34:00.002+08:00

It suddenly hit me that being a fan is a tough job. You cry when they are sad, you cry when they are happy, you cry when they are injured. You get angry when something bad happens, or when they are being offended. But you also laugh when they do something stupid, you laugh when they laugh, you smile when they say that the fans are the most important thing for them. You smile just by seeing them smiling. And during times like this, when they are smiling so so so big, and crying hot happy tears you realize that everything, all the tears, the smiles and the cheers, are so worth it..........

I started it and I must end this.

A 22 pointer w/ blank hopes.

2012-01-10T12:59:00.002+08:00

Starting off w/ a piece of good news. Thank god, with all the blessings and well wishes, I passed my o's. 22 points ain't a nice number but where effort and hard work is counted, I'm contented with it thou I knew I could have done better in certain areas. But what's done can't be undone.

My mind is blank. I have no plans of my future, just improbable dreams perhaps. Enlighten me, I feel like I'm losing control of my myself. Do not mock at my vulnerability, I feel like an ultimate loser now.

Words got jumbled into sentences, I don't even understand myself now................

Retain your poise.

2012-01-05T12:40:00.004+08:00

"sometimes you don't know how to speak, sometimes you lose your words, sometimes your mind is in a mess, sometimes you forget who you are. sometimes in the winds of change, we find our direction."

Kinda worried because I'm constantly telling myself "I'm trying to do better than good enough, because my best isn't enough". I need to stop catching up with the pace of this world, but who doesn't want to change the ugly race of humanity. Feeling extremely worn out and more than just thoughts are running in my head. Too.tired.to.continue.running. Results in 4 more days. I'll brace myself up for whatever to come. No longer gonna act suicidal like I did before. I wish the best for everyone, may you all do well. x

Insomnia.

2012-01-04T13:27:00.002+08:00

Miss them A LOT. I miss the times we used to slog out hours of tiring trainings and even had to sacrifice our personal time to prep ourselves for matches. 4 years of toiled efforts. How I wish it didn't end because I feel empty not stepping foot back into the court that has made us bag medals, awards and trophies. I guess it's time to move on from where it ended, a little overbearing to do so but all good things must come to an end. "When a door closes, another opens". I hope wherever we go, moments like this never leave our hearts. Another chapter of a book has ended. It feels good that I don't have to keep pacing myself against this world anymore.

x

MISTLETOE.

2012-01-03T14:43:00.005+08:00

"SHINee is back, SHINee is back, SHINee is back, SHINee is back, SHINee is back".
I've been waiting for this day for so long, it was worth the wait.......... :')

Today marks the first day of school, well not for me ofc since I've long graduated from that crappy school of mine. I feel kinda lost without school. Not surprising at all because this used to be my daily routine for 4 mathafucking years lul. Tbh, I quite miss going to school when all I had to do all day was just pay attention, do my homework and attend cca. I'm an alumni now so these good times shall be left for me to reminisce as I move on from here. xx

Ever since my holidays started, I've been caught up in work that I barely have time for myself le sobs. It's been so long since I met my clique, I miss all my 95liners so so badly. I know I'll meet them on the most feared day, R E S U L T S DAY. Holy crap, I'm not even mentally prepared for what's to appear on my darned results slip. But fuck it, I'll just resign to whatever I get since I can't change the fact that I fared badly for o's itself. Brace yourself up hid, there will be better days.
Ending this in on a brighter note. It suddenly hit me that it's already page 3 of 366. I should just stop whining and mature a little more. Turning 17 pretty soon and I guess I must stop acting foolishly and always act according to my own wishes. I sincerely hope 2012 doesn't disappoint me. Have a great week ahead, xoxo.

hid

2011+1

2012-01-02T14:02:00.002+08:00

Hi it's a brand new year. 2011's long and gone. May your 2012 be blessed with many many beautiful and bitter sweet memories. Etch the happy moments and ditch mathafucking ones. Live life to the fullest, time ain't gonna wait for anyone. It's you and only you against the world. Work hard and play hard! x

;)

When you feel invaluable.

2011-12-26T18:49:00.002+08:00

Ditched, spoiled and down and out. Need I say any further. Love is long gone and hopes are long crushed. What's left are just far-flung hopes and dreams. Nowhere to reach out, nobody to seek to. Vanity and sanity searches your soul and only emptiness fills in.

I'm resigned to how fate works.

YOU.

2011-12-10T14:13:00.002+08:00

Please don't ever stop smiling, flaming charismatic frog. Here's wishing you everlasting luck and happiness in what you pursue in life. You're finally 20, officially an adult now so I guess you must be extremely pleased with that tagline right? All I know is that, throughout the short span of time I've sticked by you I've never regretted nothing at all. Your enchanting smile, your charisma, your voice and your everything just makes me contented as a fan. I do accept the fact that you're not mine and that the distance between us is too great a length. But do believe that my love & support for you will never waver. HAPPY BIRTHDAY CHOI MINHO. You are indeed the light at the end of the tunnel for me. Please do rest more while you can, and I'll expecting a full-fledged comeback with the rest of SHINee very very soon. With lots of love, H.

NIGHT OF THE STARS.

2011-11-21T12:06:00.002+08:00

Reminiscing 19th of Nov. The night of the stars.
Day 1: When I heard of the news that 2PM was going to be touching down SG at 23:59, I was dumbfounded. In that instance, I knew I couldn't get out of my house to welcome them here. :( My friends were telling me to go but I just couldn't. So I just settled in for bed early as I was really disappointed. Told my friends to get a good view of them and take fancams/polaroids and that I would meet them the next morning.

Day 2: I couldn't sleep well as I tossed in bed the whole night. I woke up at 3:40am with text messages from J telling me bout the plans for the day. It was still in the wee hours of the night and I was still drowning in my sleep mode but quickly got ready to head out of my house by 5:50am. (insanely early but... xx) Took the bus to admiralty station and then took the train to Esplanade as I wanted to meet the girls, J & Y at their hotel which was Mandarin Oriental Hotel. They called me over telling me that the security was tight and all and it really was as I saw quite a number of guards standing by the hotel. So when I finally met up with the girls, they showed me fancams/polaroids they took from the arrival. I went asdfghhjjkflsasdgh (why wasn't I there) !!! After all that, we grabbed some drinks from McCafe/Starbucks to get over our sleepiness. The girls napped for a while as they were extremely drained from staying up all night the day before. J's shoe broke and we went straight to CWP to get it repaired and on the other hand, collected L's lomo cards from my mum who had to send it there because I forgot to bring it along. Afterwards, we went off to JP to queue for a good spot, the place they were going to have their fanmeet/HI-5 session. Queued for 6 hours OTL but it was super worth it. Being the first for the right things = Getting first row for the fanmeet. /chuckles Finally it was D-time for them to arrive and let me tell you, the crowd was uncontrollable and insane. People from behind kept pushing me and I was damn effed up at them. Showed a black face throughout but were contented to see the OT6. :''') After all that chaos, we ran down from the staircase to the carpark in hope of getting to see their van but sadly we did not as they left way too early. So, me and J bid goodbyes to the other friends and grabbed dinner/supper you would call it. Went home pretty early as the fanmeet was only for a short while. Thought of getting last min cheap tickets for the concert but no one was selling it for such cheap prices so I just ended up trying my luck in Ah Ken's contest, just for the fun of it not even intending to tell myself to win it. Headed to sleep aftermath.

Day 3: I woke up pretty early and the first thing I saw was my twitter/phone being received by messages/mentions saying that I won the 2PM tickets!!!!!!!!!!!!!! /screams/ Hell yeah, I was so eggcited that I immediately called J and told her I won!! We were damn elated beyond words. Went off to Stadium at around 3 and reached there at 4pm. Bought merchandises from the booth and collected my tickets. /skips to concert part/ ASDFGHJKKL the stage layout was awesome! We were the only ones in our side to be screaming our lungs out but who cares, we were damn high that night. 2PM......omg I can't put everything into words right now. In conclusion, it was just memorable. Reminded me of swc so much but they put up a great show that night. I was blown away. :') Waited outside stadium's parking area and then they got into their vans, we shouted like hell. After all that spazzing, we were contemplating whether we wanted to cab down to their restaurant to see them for the last time. We eventually waited for a cab for more than 45 mins but could not find one. Until 11:15, as we were walking back to the mrt to go home, a taxi passed by and we rushed back over. Finally got into one and we went off to the location. When we reached there, there were many stalking vans present and we waited silently by the side. Wooyoung came out first as he felt unwell. The other 5 went out afterwards as sadly I only saw taec and khun clearly. We headed home by taxi again. Reached home at 1:10am. Continued playing twitter till 2:45am then dozed off after that. And yay, I saw Keela that night!!! :DDDD She so qt please. /laughs

Day 4: The day they were departing, we arrived at the airport by 11am. Know how much sleep I've been deprived of these days? My eyes like -__= already. Exhausted. So by 1pm, xiaogui arrived SG! HE WAS SO HANDSOME WOAH. After that short chasing, we ran all the way back to where 2PM was leaving, T2!! I ran without my shoes on can you believe that. All eyes on us, labelled crazy fangirls. Couldn't care much. When 2PM came, the whole area was packed with people screaming. And, asdffkgjsdkvjsdgvjisv I was right in front of khun zomfggggg! No guards were blocking my pathway, I swear. I wanted to stay there but for fear of pissing them off, I stepped aside. Was anxiously looking for Junho and when he came by my side, I hurriedly snapped a polaroid of him yay! It came out well. They waved to us from inside the departure room. OMG OKCAT IN TAEC'S BAG. Forever going to remember his love for the cat. <3333~ Headed to Nex before heading home. In a nutshell, it was plainly memorable for me. Having minor withdrawals but am forever going to cherish those few days with them.

Spot mine! @stfuhid guise~~~ Junho's one!!!!

That's all xx :)

Long-awaited.

2011-11-17T14:32:00.002+08:00

FINALLY O'S ARE OVER. Well, finally a long-awaited break from everything.

But truth be told, I don't feel anything much. When the chief examiner announced we could be dismissed after the last paper, I felt no anxiety nor excitement. Just that adrenaline rush when everybody were in smiles and grins. I could have told myself I did my best for my papers, but.....how best is my best? Just how much effort and time have I toiled in to reap in the results? Maybe when all my friends will rejoice over their results, I'll be nowhere near nothing. That feeling will prick me forever and I will just sink deeper in. Is there even any other way out of this, just self-deserved hurt perhaps. I really do not have the slightest idea where this rocky path will bring me to, what in turn to be my future pathway.....truckloads of insanity is overwhelming my controlled mind. Having such a hard time expressing my overwhelming emotions nowadays.I'll see where this is leading to.

Hiatus break.

2011-10-19T12:07:00.002+08:00

Hangover from results. Starting my biggest nightmare from tomorrow onwards. All the best to myself. I need best wishes, A LOT of them. Back for a hiatus break. Something to share with you all. Read it at your own will xoxo. :)

1. Think of the last person who said I love you, do you think they meant it?
Yes, I guess?

2. Would you date an 18-year-old at the age you are now?
I see no reason why I can't.

3. When’s the last time you were aggravated and happy at the same time?
Yesterday.

4. Would you ever smile at a stranger?
Maybe?

5. Is there someone mad because you’re dating/talking to the person you are?
Somewhere over the rainbow perhaps. /laughs

6. Have you heard a song that reminds you of someone today?
Yes!

7. What exactly are you wearing right now?
PJ LOL.

8. How often do you listen to music?
Every single day, without fail.

9. Do you wear jeans or sweats more?
Jeans~

10. Do you think your life will change dramatically before 2012?
To a certain extent, yes.

11. Are you a social or an antisocial person?
First option.

12. Have you ever kissed someone whose name begins with the letter ‘A’?
-nods-

13. What about ‘R’?
No??

14. Can you drive a stick shift?
What's that?

15. Do you care if people talk badly about you?
YES.

16. Are you going out of town soon?
To Seoul, in SHINee's dorm xoxo.

17. When was the last time you cried?
1 hour ago. -o-

18. Have you ever told someone you loved them?
Yes!

19. If you could change your eye color, would you?
Of course.

20. Is there a boy who you would do absolutely everything for?
CHOI MINHO & this group called SHINee. :')

21. Name something you dislike about the day you’re having.
Fucked up hair.

22. Is it cute when guys kiss you on your forehead?
Ermm personally, no.

23. Are you dating the last person you talked to?
Yes, mentally.

24. What are you sitting on right now?
A chair?

25. Does anyone regularly (other than family) tell you they love you?
Hmm no.

26. Have you ever wanted someone you couldn’t have?
Yes, sf badly.

27. Who was the last person you talked to before you went to bed last night?
Twitter mates!

28. Do you get a lot of colds?
Sometimes.

29. Where is the shirt you are wearing from?
Huh?

30. Does anyone hate you?
Yes, a bitch hates me.

31. Do you have any empty alcohol bottles hidden somewhere in your room?
Nah.

32. Do you like watching scary movies?
Hell to the NO.

33. Do you want your tongue pierced?
At times.

34. If you had to delete one year of your life completely, which would it be?
2011.

35. Did you have a dream last night?
No. :(

36. When was the last time you told someone you loved them?
Yesterday?

37. Do you think you’ll be married in 5 years?
No.

38. Do you think someone has feelings for you?
Perhaps?

39. Do you think someone is thinking about you right now?
No idea.

40. Did you have a good day yesterday?
You can call it so.

41. Think back 2 months ago; were you in a relationship?
Nah, virtual relationship.

42. In the next 48 hours, will you hang out with a girl?
Yes, I feel so.

43. Has anyone told you they don’t want to ever lose you?
Used to hear that a lot.

44. What’s the best part about school?
Meeting bijtches

45. Do you have any pictures on your Facebook?
Yeap.

46. Do you ever pass notes to your friends in school?
Sec 1-3 times.

47. Do you replay things that have happened in your head?
Most of the time.

48. Were you single over the last summer?
Nah.

49. Is your life anything like it was two years ago?
Nope, so much different.

50. What are you supposed to be doing right now?
STUDYING MY BUTTS OFF.

51. Do you hate the last guy you had a conversation with?
No.

52. Are you nice to everyone?
If they're nice to me.

53. Have you ever liked someone you didn’t expect to?
Yes....

54. Do you think you can last in a relationship for 6 months and not cheat?
Why not?

55. Are you good at hiding your feelings?
Expert. :)

56. Do you think you like someone?
Yes, or maybe no.

57. Have you kissed someone whose name starts with a ‘J’?
No.

58. Do you prefer to be friends with girls or boys?
I'm universal. :)

59. Has anyone of your friends ever seen you cry?
Many times.

60. Do you hate anyone?
Nah, hate me if you want to.

61. How’s your heart?
Fragile and broken.

62. Is there something that happened in your past that you hate talking about?
Many.

63. Have you ever cried over a guy?
Yes.

64. Who is probably talking a load of crap about you right now?
Bitches.

65. Are your toenails painted pink?
No, would love to.

66. Will your next kiss be a mistake?
...........

67. Girls love it when boyfriends cry; correct?
For me, no.

68. Have your pants ever fallen down in public?
HAHA NO.

69. Who was the last person you were on the phone with?
My mum?

70. How do you look right now?
Fugly.

71. Do you have someone you can be your complete self around?
Twitter mates!

72. Can you commit to one person?
Sadly, I can't.

73. Do you have someone of the opposite sex you can tell everything to?
Back then, used to have one. Not anymore.

74. Have you ever felt replaced?
Too many times.

75. Did you wake up cranky?
Nope.

76. Are you a jealous person?
Extremely.

77. Are relationships ever worth it?
If you've been in one, you'll know.

78. Anyone you’re giving up on?
Some of my 2011 classmates.

79. Currently wanting to see anyone?
SHINee. <3

80. Name something you have to do tomorrow?
O LEVELS PRACTICAL EXAM.

81. Last person you cried in front of?
Myself.

82. Is there someone you will never forget?
Definitely.

83. Do you think the person you have feelings for is protective of you?
I have no idea.

84. If the person you wish to be with were with you, what would you be doing right now?
Cry.

85. Are you over your past?
Not yet, but will be.

86. Have you ever liked one of your best friends of the opposite sex?
Y.....e....s....

87. Is there anyone you can tell EVERYTHING to?
Nah, not to that extent.

88. If your first true love knocked on your door with apology and presents, would you accept?
I'm not one to give in to those.

89. So, the last person you kissed just happens to arrive at your door at 3AM; do you let them in?
Dramatic question, I don't know what to answer.

90. Have you ever liked someone who your friends hated?
I think so.

91. Will you be in a relationship in 2 months?
I'll be partying my night away.

92. Is there anyone you know with the name Michael?
A tv actor.

93. Have you ever kissed a Matthew?
zzzzzzzzz.

94. Were you in a relationship in January? How was it going?
No.

95. Were you happy with the person you liked in March?
No.

96. Don’t tell me lies, is the last person you texted attractive?
Yes, in a way?

97. Who do you have texts from?
Twitter mates~

98. If the person you like says they like someone else, what would you say?
Keep quiet. Numb to this already.

99. Have you ever kissed someone older than you?
Mum?? 10 years ago? LOL.

100. Who’s in your profile picture with you?
My love~

101. Ever kissed under fireworks?
~___~ No.

102. Has anybody ever given you butterflies?
Sure yes.

^______________^ Till we meet again!

ON AN OFFICIAL HIATUS.

2011-09-29T19:02:00.002+08:00

I'm officially on a hiatus from everything. I have a lot to prioritise on now. Left with less than a month to O's. Okay to cut it short, thanks readers be it I know you or not for taking time to read this crappy space of mine all these while. HWAITING FOR YOUR EXAMS/SCHOOL!!! ^____^ I will be back on 14 nov! Goodbam! n___n

Outweighed.

2011-09-28T18:02:00.004+08:00

Another confession to make. I feel burdened to say it out so I'd rather type it out in this little space of mine. It's okay if you don't give a damn to this meaningless post because all I intend to do is to pour out my inner thoughts. Really. You can /judge me anyhow you want after reading this but judgmental people are everywhere, aren't they? I can't stop them, they have their own free will to do so.

I've been bottling this up for quite some time and I feel suppressed of my own emotions so I'm blogging this out. I admit I started loving and being an avid kpop fan very early and I once judged kpop but right now things changed don't they? I've learnt so much from it that sometimes not even one long essay can describe it. What I'm trying to put across is that people have been pointing it out to me to stop my obsession towards kpop and stuffs, telling me how crucial this year is for me, especially since I'm taking my O's in about a month or two from now. I tried okay, I did. Don't go on saying I didn't. Maybe it's myself that has gone so deep into this virtual world. Pretty stupid you might think but no, this is out of my own doing. I squander, buy and spend on merchandises, albums, goods etc yet I don't feel the pinch. Perhaps this is the reality I want. So besides being a big-hearted fool readers just /judge and judge all you want. I...can never get out of this fantasy, I repeat myself because I am not a casual fan like others. I fight for what I want. It's without doubt that school is my utmost priority now and how much I want to sit down and start mugging as hard as I can for my last lap but I just c.a.n.t. The most upsetting thing is to see my friends, close or not not even supporting me.................meh I just think that's the case because I always restrict myself from talking about kpop in front of them because in the end I'll only get those weird stares. Why am I even saying this. ;~~~~;

If I tell you to stop pursuing your interests, would you prefer that? No right? So you get my predicament here. Having such messed up, tired and fucked thoughts. How better will tomorrow be. If you want certainty, the answer is the one's who changed is yours truly. Happier?

LUCKIEST GIRL ON EARTH.

2011-09-25T13:50:00.004+08:00

MY F1 PASS!!!!! /SCREAMS/ Here's the whole bit of the story of what happened~

Initially, me and a bunch of fangirls planned to wait for GD, TOP and Seungri outside their hotel till they came out. So, we waited there patiently for like err, nearing 5 hours? Then, at around 8pm, we saw their backup dancers entering the hotel and two very lucky fangirls tapped them on their shoulders and asked for their autographs. /envy/ I swear the dancers are asdfghjjkslfskgfsjgsgslgsg hot!!!!! But the members did not come out so we went inside Raffles City to grab supper and guess what?? We got to know from the hotel manager that they left through another entrance and we were like, :'( MY GD!!!

To lighten up our moods, we went around walking near the F1 area and we heard very interesting F1 car sounds that the girls starting imitating along with the sounds. Haha. Then, some of them gave the idea of pleading people to get the F1 pass. And, we did. Luck was on our side and we got two free passes from two very kind ang mohs who gave it to us, without us even asking for it. Aww. :) We had to plead others to get two more passes as there were 4 of us. At the very last minute, we finally got hold of the other two passes and we dashed and ran in to the Padang to get a good view of the stage though it quite packed there.

Squeezed in through the massive crowd when the gates were open and we were about 10 freaking metres away from them! I finally got to see them perform live. Jiyong ah....;~;

In a nutshell, I enjoyed every single second of that 50 precious minutes. Another wish fulfilled. :')

Happy 기's Day. :')

2011-09-25T12:25:00.004+08:00

I know this might be a little late but this lengthy post is dedicated to Kibummie! <3

Happy 21st birthday, Key! 'ㅂ'

I love your smile, your eyes, your voice and your charms. You are uniquely different from others because you are not afraid to show the world who you really are. I really admire you for that, you were born an original. I will always love and support you just like what I've been doing and will continue to do even until the day SHINee decides to part. :') I will never ever forget the celebration we had with each other on 10/09. I am very happy you felt all our love when we sang the birthday song, danced like crazy and all of the little things that you did to arch a smile on our faces. I doubt I can ever erase that bit of memory, till forever. I wish you all the best love. Almighty Key, Key umma, Diva or whatever people name you as, you will forever be the key to my lock, KIM KIBUM. ♡ ♡

I'm sure you had fun during your birthday party right? I can see all of your happy faces there. Stay happy derps! ^______^ I believe, I'll be able to see you soon.

xx
hid♡

'It's okay to cry'. - Khunnie

2011-09-18T21:03:00.004+08:00

#khuntoriaforever Hi vic omma and khunnie oppa. Thank you for giving me so many wonderful memories of you two as Khuntoria. Thank you to Khunnie who has become a best friend and the best husband for Victoria throughout the 456 days you've shared weal and woe. Thank you to Victoria who has become a best friend, best girl, and best wife for Khunnie. I hope you two always care about each other, continue to be best friends, be a close friend to each other and never forget about each other okay! I'll miss you terribly, Khuntoria...:')

You guys were the real deal and I doubt I'll forget everything about you both. The 63 Building, those birthday surprises, your cute cute baby toy, growing the plants together, 2PM's and F(x)'s bonding session, Maldives trip and that final 456th day will forever be etched. ♡ ♡ ♡

Evanescence.

2011-09-18T20:12:00.008+08:00

Say hi to my second laifu. ^_____________^ I'm his one and only fish xoxo. <3

Anyway, just to update you guys with a little of my life. Have been hanging out much recently, with the concert and collection of items I bought online, and I kept my life entertained with Twitter most of the time. Pretty much addicted to it even though I was once complaining how boring it was at the beginning. As for school, I'm halfway through my prelims and I wished things worked out better because I hate HATE to deal with failures again. Hwaiiting to myself, really need motivation now from my babies~ Choi Minho @Donghae861005 @Kevinwoo91 @leadergyu !!!!! I have so many expectations. :(

[Side note] I really miss my kpop chingus~ Hope to meet up with them soon and spazz like mad again! Also,I hope to carry on van stalking with my 1719 stalkers again yay. Hope to see you all soon okay! @lishavictoria_ @YuqiLUVtheYangs @JIEQI_KISSx3 @jokerlette @Shinwi_1211 @Fangqimys @Yeelingpradada @FXZXZ and the others! Bbyong~~^^

That's all for today, I'll try to put up more frequent updates soon. Hwaiting readers!!
BY THE WAY, I LOVE CHOI MINHO A LOT OKAY BYE!!!!!!!

These bad withdrawals of mine.......

2011-09-14T18:38:00.003+08:00

Sigh..............these super bad withdrawals. /slaps self/ You won't understand it right readers. You might just be stereotyping me as one of those hardcore, over-obsessed fangirl, which I myself admit to that but then, me + them is like a completion to my life. That's the kind of happiness, genuine happiness I mean. Oh, 4 days seemed like 40 days already what I can't even...

Sidetracking this and distracting myself from whatever that's affecting my hangover. On another note, I sent in my email that I wrote in to the Straits Times reporter. I'm serious, I really went to write in. For Jjong's pride, anything goes okay. Her theory and background knowledge of the boys totally sucked. All I appealed for was an apology but she went on to saying that she has to disagree to do so. Oh well, go and /die/ u___u I totally had a 360degree change of my impressions towards remarkably rude reporters because 1) they suck at getting their facts right. 2) they are so conceited. 3) they are cold hearted and extremely 'good' with words. Assumption suck. Nevertheless, I tried my utmost best to avenge Jjong and whatever happens, I know he's the best. :') People just need to stop being judgmental about certain things~just saying okie don't feel offended. >O<

Another thing, this teeny weeny small paragraph is for this fucked-up person. It's been a long time since I blogged out about someone hmm. Well, you this casual fan. Please mind your words because they are really a tad too insulting. Ironically, don't people change? Like seriously, if all you want is to increase those vocabulary words of yours, talk to the wall. Furthermore, please do not be such a copy meow can a not ~____~ You are that casual to be ripping things from others. Don't put yourself as some big shot when you fail to be one. How pathetic. I could have let things go but this, you got to face your own music baby. :) You obviously can do it, ermm with or without me haha. All the very best to you and I swear this post is the very last I'm going to ever EVER write about ya. Happy enough? XoXo.

Okie continue mugging hard people, results will reap in!! Hwaiting hwaiting!!!! Muacks!

xx
hid~

OT5.

2011-09-11T13:07:00.008+08:00

Yesterday, it was finally the SHINee World Concert in SG. It was my very first time that I met the five precious boys and my love, CHOI MINHO. :') Truthfully, I've never felt so blissful in my life before this. It was like dream come true, a night of my dreams. A chapter of my life fulfilled. I guess it's the long wait and the expectations I have been expecting for since their last visit here and I finally got to do so........../cries/ :''')

I couldn't spend the night over at the airport on the 9th so I got my uncle to drive me over to the airport at 530am. As I was on the way there, many thoughts overwhelmed my mind. I got worried about irking their impressions of me at any point of the day. So when I finally reached the airport, it was 6:00 am exactly and my heart was beating extremely fast until my legs went jelly. Met the rest of the van stalkers there and within the next 5 minutes, I heard loud wails and screams. The big crowd there were all grasping their camera/polaroids and trying to take pictures of them coming out. First and foremost, I saw my Minho walking out casually, with his black shades and casual outfit as usual. He looked so tall and his face was so flawless........I couldn't even let out a scream when I saw him. Followed by the 'black face king' Jjong, his expression put the hearts of many off but I believe he was happy to be in Sg. Key walked past right after and he was waving to fans and all that I could barely cry. Onew looked sick with his mask but his eye-smile was.....:') Taemin was walking and looking down at the floor with his Ipad. It was so cute.

After that hysterical moment, I quickly ran over to our van but on the way, I got lost amidst the crowd pushing me to catch another glimpse of the boys in their van. Luckily, Yuqi went around looking for me and I saw her and immediately rushed over to settle in the van with the others. We were all so panicky and Uncle Jeff just went driving and catching up to them. Our van was all filled with LED boards and bling bling fanboards and we flashed them at the windows, in the hope of the boys being able to notice us. WE DID IT. We saw Minho's hand by the window and he was trying to snap a picture of us. I don't know but I hope it comes out in their me2day. I think too much, sorry. ):

They headed to their hotel and we did not want to wait in vain so we all went to the nearest MacD and grabbed breakfast there. Joked around with the girls, discussed about other upcoming events, talked with Uncle Jeff and headed back to the van to continue our wait. I wasn't feeling well so after taking my medi, headed straight back to van and rested for a while. Managed to recap a bit on my ss. Other than that, I was just watching mvs and horror movies in the van. The boys were in SG stadium from 12pm-4pm to rehearse so we couldn't see much of actions from them except for the special preview of Taemin and Jjong walking past the stadium entrance doors that only a few of us saw. Spent the afternoon walking around SIS and bought merchandises like hand fans and temp tattoos along the way.

I got really nervous when the concert was drawing nearer. FINALLY THE MOMENT I HAVE BEEN WAITING FOR......SWCSG. I WAS HYPED UP!!! We went in via the north entrance and were so shocked by the concert hall set up there. Went to put our tattoos on and settled in our seats. We were astonished beyond words at how close we were to the stage. We were really excited. Banners were given out so we just took it and used it during the concert.

When the concert started, BOOM I HEARD LOUD SCREAMS PIERCING THROUGH MY EARS. I don't know! It was so surreal yet feels so unbelievable at the same time. Their songs were so power-packed I couldn't even stop my eyes from the stage. Thank god. TAEKEY'S SOLO, MINHO'S SOLO, JJONG'S SOLO, ONEW'S SOLO WAS JUST SO A W E S O M E. I was just ignoring everything else and focused on them throughout everything. They were so cute and adorable especially TaeKey. <3 I saw Minho's 8 eight packs!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! XASDVJRNODFBNHFUOBNBONBGJOG RIGHT. Lub him till pieces. :3 Jjong and Onew's vocals was the best. Totally touched my heart. /touched/ I love every single song that they performed for swcsg. But my favourite was Juliette, A-YO. Life, Grace, Lucifer, OMG, Grace. Okay let's just put it that I love the concert. Period.

Minho, Key, Onew came to my side most of the time. The best part was that they fudging saw my LED BOARD I held up!!!!! They saw, they really saw!!!!!!!!! Minho showed that Juliette sign to me!!!!!!! I can die happy now. :'') They took a lot of glances at it, I swear. But sadly, none of them managed to throw any balls to my side. I guess, it was just too far. I love their water play, it was so heart-warming to see them acting so close to each other, teasing and joking around. Gah. Finally, the boys all sang a birthday song to our dearest KEY and we all sang along. It was so memorable for them to celebrate it with us and seeing all those Key banners held up during the concert. I believe Key was really happy. They bowed so many times to express their thanks and said thank you to SG shawols, I cant help it but to cry. Ended up crying pathetically in the van straight after the concert as we needed to continue stalking. Was really heart-broken yet totally happy to see them. Idk, did they see me? Did Minho notice my board and me? Did he.......? But I am happy to be able to see them. I am. :')

Followed them to their restaurant they were eating in and waited patiently for about two hours for them. Something unpleasant happened and I do not wish to elaborate on it as it made so many people mad and also affected the rest so pardon me for not not telling on this alright. In a nutshell, I enjoyed every single second of last night. It was truly memorable, idk it's just this mixed feelings I am having. Could be the withdrawals I am having right now. I just miss them sfm right now. They are already on the way back. ;'( I know they'll come back, they promised to. <3

Mine. ^^
Jq's led board. :)
The banners given out. :)The temp tattoos. Never ever gonna erase them out till it fades by itself. SHINee World FTW. <3

Levine's. Could not snap any from mine but this was pretty clear right? AH JJONG. <3333

Jq's! It's pretty dark as her cam was blocked by a person's hand! Nevertheless, this shot of Taeminnie is so flawless.......OTL. :) <333333

My 'I am Sorry' note for Minho but sadly, it couldn't be shown to them due to something that cropped up. I still feel bad and how much I want to say my sincere apologies for the inconvenience that caused them last night. :(

MINHO AH, I AM SORRY. :(((( I know this can't make up for anything but I really hope you notice me, this annoying led board girl at the concert. You do right? You remember me? Those waves, etch them alright. I hope to see you again, soon. <3 I will wait okay, I will. Don't make me cry again over you. Rest well in Korea and tell the other boys to take care of themselves. Don't make me worried anymore. With much love, hid. :')

Hi boys. :') I miss you a lot right now. But what's happened has happened. I know for sure, I enjoyed myself to the fullest infinite extent. You did too right? SG SHAWOLS ARE JJANG JJANG RIGHT? Please come back SG asap okay???! Don't break your promise okay. Thank you for the memories from yesterday night. This will be a hangover for me. Take care, boys. <3

This was a lengthy one and this was just all that the details I could share and elaborate on. I know that after swcsg, it will no longer be the counting down moment, expecting for SHINee to come and whatsoever. It's a little heart-breaking but this will definitely not be the last time I'm gonna see them. SIGH.....SHINee see you again soon. :')

1+1+1+1+1+1+1+1+1+1+1+1+1+1+1=16

2011-09-05T11:05:00.007+08:00

^My birthday cake! I had two but could not take a picture of the another! >.< Well, yesterday marks my 'sweet sixteenth' birthday! You could call it that way. I sure had a blast, by myself. ^^ First and foremost, I was very touched by all birthday wishes through the text messages, fb comments, twitter mentions etc. I was literally crying when I read through all of them. Gah, thank you all. :') Though this year seemed different from last year's, I felt contented enough that some people remembered.

Hi!!!!!!!!!!! My name is Hidayah. My friends call me Hid. I turned sixteen yesterday, an age which I am not boasting/bragging about. It just probably means I turned a year older. If I could list down all my birthday wishes here, it'd probably take till tomorrow? Haha. But this year, I have one particular wish which I really wanna fulfill. I want to go to Seoul so badly......:'( I hope this wish comes true by next year hopefully. Well pretty much, I have blogged umpteen random/childish posts which might have irked your impression of me. Since it's the celebratory mood of me turning sixteen, I would like to post a little about me. Yes, myself.

Today I'm gonna share with you guys about my life story. Pretty much like a confession time actually. *Roll the drums* Having turned sixteenth, my utmost wish is to do well for O's. Well, which kid taking O's would not be wishing for that right? I mean, I've always atrociously sucked at my studies. It's now a norm for me to flunk papers. I hope my fudging hard work pays off as I'm left with only a month plus before the major papers come staring at my face. Sidetrack, I hope to more of a mature, wiser and less skeptical person by end of 2011! Laughs.

Yo I live in SHINee world thank you bely nice. <3 I myself can't believe how fast it's gonna be before I'll be crying my heart out in the stadium. It used to be like 50 more days, 30 more days, but now, it's just five days away! Pretty fast right? OH WELL I AM SO EGGCITED!!!!!!!!!!

HAPPY BELATED BIRTHDAY TO YOURS TRULY. PLEASE BE HAPPY HID EVEN IF THE WORLD DOES NOT SHINE YOU IN THE LIMELIGHT. SAENGIL CHUKHA HAMNIDA!!!! <33333333 My fishy, flame and penguin will there for me muacks.

xx, hid

The number 4 must be pretty unlucky......

2011-09-03T19:47:00.005+08:00

HI I hope you know what day it is tomorrow. Some may call it an unlucky one digit number but to me, it's the best number of my life. I can sense it coming and I know that this year's might be a little different from last year's but what can I do? Cry and yank it out? Sorry, I'm no longer that xmm and childish kiddo. I'll leave the 1000 words post till tomorrow. Read it at your own wish and risk.

xx, hid.

In hid's thinking box.

2011-09-02T20:54:00.003+08:00

I cried like nobody's freaking business when I heard the news that they won. I was literally jumping in joy and crying in happiness! Their 448 days of hard work finally paid off! YES IT ALL FUDGING PAID OFF. Their immediate breakdown of blissful tears when they were announced as the winner, touched me most. SUNGJONG, HOYA AND WOOHYUN especially. For them to hold their very first trophy since debut means a lot to them. I'm so proud of them!! Forever an Inspirit. <3 #1NFINITE YOU HAVE NO IDEA HOW HAPPY INSPIRITS WERE YESTERDAY........... EVEN THE WORD HAPPY CANT DESCRIBE HOW HAPPY WE WERE. They'll continue to work hard, I know. They have made their mark, yes Inspirits are contented. HWAITING!! /hearts/

SPACE BIG STAR HEENIM.

2011-08-28T18:20:00.005+08:00

Just an urge to bid farewell to the most docky and derpy Heenim. :')

Heechul: "The people I want to thank most is our members. All the dongsaengs listen to what your hyungs say. And my friend Jungsoo.. wuli Teukie is really very tired, thank you very very much. Lastly, I want to thank our fans, ELF. I will come back safely."

To me, they’re like the two pillars of SJ. Teuk is the mother of the group, like how most mums would, he would be there to comfort his members during down times and cry when one of them leaves. Heechul is the father of the group, like how most dads would, he would be there to scold and stand up for his members if they were to be bullied, criticized or treated unfairly. When Teuk cry, all I felt was pain. Not just pain because his best brother is leaving, not just pain he felt from his fans, not just pain from this whole army thing. But Teukie had always been a strong leader, always putting on a smile even when he felt like breaking down, the stuffs he tweeted, most are depressing. Having Heechul to leave him is like losing his only source of comfort. The only person whom he confides to without having to hide anything. The only person who would help to share his burden as being the eldest in the group. One day, Leader would have to leave for army too, this is a fact that we, fans, cannot change. The only thing we can change is the skepticism of other people, we will wait for their return right? :) Be it apart or together, SJ’s heart is together as one.

The past is the past its the past.

2011-08-28T11:20:00.009+08:00

What does it feel to be h a p p y again? Is it a surreal feeling? Overwhelmed with sensation? Yeah, maybe you would understand this. Maybe you would take it as a mockery for which I can't decide either. We all have the freedom of speech right? But why do I feel like I'm restricted to mine? Le sigh. I'd wish life had a book of answers to all my uncertainty. Then maybe I do not have to pour out my grievances to emotionless, heartless human beings.

Readers, maybe you should just take a listen to this. Maybe then you'll understand what I'm trying to bring across to you. /:

..................Finishing line.

2011-08-21T11:02:00.003+08:00

A truckload of sighs. :( There's absolutely nothing that can keep me going any longer. Le sigh. I GIVE UP. YES LITERALLY GONNA GIVE UP. In the end, I'm always affected. Pointing their fingers at me and pushing all the blame on me. I'll just rein in.

LIKE A COOL ONLY.

2011-08-14T11:40:00.004+08:00

I'm forever counting down the days till I can get to see them. ^up up here! Well, anticipate 27 more days! Yes, twenty-seven more days!

Sidetrack, I'll be sitting for my CT papers starting tomorrow sobs sobs. I really do not know whether I can ace this shit thou'. What more when I'll have my oral exam on Wednesday, 17/08! Feel so bogged down by the expectations and level of stress I'm facing right now. /stabs self/ Really do not wish to under perform in my studies at this period of time. Sigh. Like always, am forever gonna wish for the utmost best. =) It does help to make myself be more optimistic sometimes. This pessimistic and negative thinking of mine has got to be ridden off, perhaps it will make my life much more h a p p i e r. No?

Another sidetrack, 2PM, Teen Top, U-Kiss, SS4 will be heading down to SG. Like FTW right? I am already broke oh well money please just fly down from heaven thanks. Okay, too much of irrelevant stuffs shared. Happy Sunday! *\(^o^)/*

xx
HID

Inspirit.

2011-08-09T12:47:00.003+08:00

LEADER GYU MUACKS. <3

Something happy to blog about today, just in a happy mood that's all. =) What's best for me now is to heed it and just go forward from where I am. You can stereotype me as whoever you want me to be because I don't give a hoot either. You're only increasing your awesome 'vocabulary'. :) Okay bbyong~ I need to catch up on my infiniteu muacks. <3

Don't falter.

2011-08-06T14:09:00.002+08:00

Writing out my own feelings used to be such a daily thing and it was such a simple task. Now, it became something so foreign. How am I feeling now? Isolated, hurt. I still can't get over it. I still dream, think, talk about it, and I kept all the thoughts to myself. I know I have been replaced. It hurts. No longer mention me, no longer talk, text and all. I am just living my days by, pretending to be happy. I am not happy at all. I am feeling very upset. But I didn't cry. Not that I don't want to, I couldn't. I could no longer tear. It has been very stressful these days. My studies. Myself.

I blog because I love to blog and I am just expressing what I am saying and what I am feeling, not to impress anyone. Yeah yeah, what a loser - me. I really got to protect myself from getting hurt. I don't mind you bitching about me to your friends. You can do that, and I will be really happy that you will be doing so. Really.

I didn't say or voice out anything, it doesn't mean that I don't feel anything.

Five star-studded shining boys.

2011-07-31T12:51:00.004+08:00

^SCREAMS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! K sorry I like to self-high remember. Another japanese version bb! I'll get the best one for sure thou' I'm broke after getting my stuffs for SWC. T.T I'll share some awesome news in a few days' time! I'm busy mugging hard for both SWC and my prelims currently! Please bear with me for a while.

I've got all my items in my checklist! Lightstick check, ticket check, polaroid cam, films&bag check, LED board check, TOMS shoes check, fanpack (fanshirt+horns) check! <333333

Hey readers, if some of you will be at SWC then I'll see you there peeps!

xx
HID

Like rivals in war.

2011-07-30T15:59:00.002+08:00

Eggcited, nervous and paranoid! Ottoke? Readers, can you feel me? I'll be back, #promise. Just needed to take a break for a day or two. Bbyong. ~~

I'll be back. ~

2011-07-28T22:14:00.001+08:00

I'll be back readers. Please stay tuned. Bbyong! ~~~~

Misled, misunderstood, mistreated.

2011-07-22T19:57:00.003+08:00

I believe not many people are coming back to read this space anymore. And I just am too busy to update. My life has changed tremendously. I wouldn't say in a bad way, but some people might think so. I'm too exhausted to bother with unnecessary things. At my lowest currently but I feel that I shouldn't speak too much. I might just hurt everyone around me.

Being kept in the dark is far worse than being told the truth and learning how to accept it.

L E G A L BABY. ~

2011-07-19T19:04:00.002+08:00

TAEMINNIE! *\(^o^)/* Saengil chukha hamnida!!! I heart you a lot! You're a legal baby now! Though this wish may be a little belated, I still love you a lot! GO SHINee's maknae dancing machine! Keep that poppin' going! I hope you you had a blast celebration with the other members. How I wish I could be there.... :( but still, I wish you all the very best for your upcoming world concerts k! I'll be seeing you soon with the rest of SHINee in SG on the 10th of September! You must be excited to see me right??! Bbali dorawa! <333333 SHINee hwaiting, I'll be rooting for you guys! Lots of love, muacks! -Hid

A night to rememeber.

2011-07-16T16:17:00.011+08:00

To start, yesterday marks a night to remember. Etched forever and always. Thanks U Kiss for your undying fan service. <3 I almost died yesterday because of you guys!! Especially you, Soohyun oppa!!! I missed your flying kiss but I still love you! You're messing up my bias list omg. Hoon, I saw when I jumped up outside the hotel! AJ, why didn't you look and wave to us?! Kisseop, Dongho and Kevin, I hardly got to see you all! :(((( Eli, omg you waved to me!! How happy can I be? I hope to see you all soon, and that you were touched by all of SG KISS-MEs fans! Saranghae! <3 Dashi dorawa araso?!

OMFGGG! Jaejin, you are so damn shuai! Love it when you got off the van and waved up high to us! Will never forget that! Hope you remember me! :) <3 Dashi dorawa araso?! Loves!

Another qtpie! Your waves, your smiles melted my heart totally! I know your hotel secrets, oppa! Okay, I wont tell bout this! :P Will forever remember those heart-stopping moments. Thanks so much! Dashi dorawa araso?! Loves. <3

Dara unnie! You're so pretty! Too bad you walked ultra fast and I couldn't see you much! You're super mad chio, your @MBLAQCD must be damn happy to have a noona like you! Dashi dorawa araso?! Loves. <333

My friend's fanboard! Pretty right?! Her name's Levine. She's mad about AJDONG and @skullhong! <3
Another friend's fan board. Her ultimate bias is Soohyun!! Her name's Venus! She cried badly when she saw her bias! I love her fan board the most after Levine's! So so nice! <3

Another one. FOR ELI! <3 The background is actually our van! Haha! \*(^o^)/*

Amanda's! Omg didn't expect her to be an ex-WRPS! She's from my 07' batch! She remembered me! Oh well, glad to know her back! :)

Photos credits to: Venus, Levine, Amanda, Yaozi and Fangqi! <3

Hey readers, that's about all of the polaroid/fanboards photos that I can share! The rest are with my other 'van stalkers' and in their polaroid book. :) Omg, yesterday was one of the best nights! Sadly, I couldn't see my BB boys. Shag but at least I got a glance of them. Contented. :) It was indeed the most thrilling day! Made so many new friends! I also shared the common things as them. Keke. I definitely hope there will another one soon. Will zi-high again on 10th september! FOR SHINee! <3333

K, that's all the fun I can share. Omg, I miss all of them...... :((((
Please remember us! SG will be waiting. <3

You're a menace.

2011-07-07T18:28:00.003+08:00

I swear, this post is gonna bore the hella out of you. Read it at your own will and risk. X.

It's been such a long time I blogged about something personal. All I do is post pictures and wrote just general stuffs about them. It makes it so hard for me to open up in my blog. To begin with, this is my blog. I am supposed to write what I want and not let others affect me.

I hate quarrels.

Really.

Reality slapped me in my face today. Maybe I could call it the #worstnightmare but my heart sank and it hit rock bottom. Crying and yanking it out won't even help so I chose to remain silent and close my ears as if nothing ever happened. Sadly, I couldn't. Rivulets of tears still fall and eventually my eyes became puffy. I managed to cover up all this unhappiness when I'm in school. I didn't want to show that soft and weak side of mine to my friends. I didn't want to be labelled as a weakling. No? You get what I'm trying to say? Feeling so confused these days. Inside story, I fought with my mum. I ended up not being able to have a chance to go to the KMW concert. It was really a bad one and I even felt like leaving home and skipping school today. A sad reality of having a family not supporting me throughout my 16 years existing in their life. Ironic huh?

And when I posted up my frustration on fb, people were questioning me and I just gave them the assurance that I was gonna be okay, someway and somehow. But honestly, deep in my heart, I was seething with anger and rage was overwhelming my mind. I appreciate and acknowledge their concern and care. I do. Really. But in the end, who's left standing? Just an ashamed figure of kind souls. Where are the others? If you know me, you might say I'm always sticking with the chinese and maybe acting ignorant towards my own clique. Let me get it clear. I'm not. In fact, I'm feeling terrible as it is trying to mingle and fit in a clique. I kept thinking, am I gonna bother them? Is my language barrier the stopping limit between us? These questions struck me everytime. It's not that I love to ignore my malay friends. Afterall, they're still my friends I've known for the past years. How can I bring myself to dislike them? Despite our countless conflicts that happened in the past, in a way or another, they were there for me.

I just wanna point out that although that I'm close with Jamie and the rest, it does not mean I heck care bout the others as well. And don't misunderstand my sudden closeness with the malays like I'm trying to seek attention when the chineses are not there? Who says we're only restricted to only a few friends? Personally, I'm the hyper-active and sociable type. I get random at times and turn moody at another. I also rant out my obsession stuffs to the people I talk to. I get crazy and hyped-up when I talk about kpop. Knowing that the number of people who love kpop in my school is as minimal as 10-15%, I don't see it as a surprise to their amazement. It's okay, it's really okay if you all don't wanna bother about what I like or anything like that at all. It will not affect or bother me. At least, respect my limits as a friend.

I just don't know why the tables have turned and life is so topsy-turvy. Tell me what to do. I'm at such a loss... Maybe I should just cry and sleep it off. Maybe then I'll feel better. Haiz.

The paper plane.

2011-07-04T15:17:00.004+08:00

I'M BACK! Yay, I'm showing a gleeful face right now! Did i tell you that I'll be going to KMW concert to see them?! ^Look up! With a bunch of crazy kpop friends, I'll be burning hundreds of dollars for the renting of van and booking of hotel! Dont forget the concert tickets! Omg, shag die me! I guess my saving up plan for this concert will be successful! Super eggcited to see them and the others like FTI, BB, Miss A and 2NE1! If SHINee there, it'll be daebak! Wah, if you are reading this, you must be thinking, SHIOK SIA! ^__^ Haha, sorry I like to self-high! If you're interested in this, don't be shy to approach me if you wanna be part of the craze! Tweet/leave me a message! I hope more people can join! It'll be fun, I swear! K, I wanna go back to spazz in my virtual world! Lots of love, Hid! <3

RUN.

2011-07-02T14:42:00.003+08:00

Busy studying and clearing my study rule, busy trying to change everything. I think I might stop blogging for a while and let this place store dust. My life is...under-going a tremendous revamp I guess. I guess I'll put it that way. June was the worst month so far. Hope you guys agree with me. Silly old me hope that July would be so much more fantastic. Living life like a zombie, school is fucking me up. Sometimes I wish I was a smart student, a student where teachers would not worry about and put me in the limelight. Sadly, I'm an average or maybe not even at the average level of a student who's taking her O's this year. Can't seem to find any sort of motivation from anyone or anything. There is not a someone which I can look up to when I'm in need. Not for now. I don't want anybody to approach me and say, 'You ok?' What I truly want is for someone to say, 'I know you're not okay, don't pretend. Need someone to talk to?' I guess I think too much. Such friendships has never existed in whole screwed up 16 years of my life. The next 4 and a half months will be the rockiest journey, especially with no one on my side. But what I can do? You can never deal with a skeptical me.

JUST FEEL SO FUCKED UP. WHOLE WORLD AGAINST ME.

2011-06-28T20:11:00.003+08:00

Seething with anger, frustration and fume. Stu and gtfo. Not my day today srsly. Second day back at school yet it feels nowhere better than last term. Screw all of you lah. Not happy right, go and die in the shithole asswipes. Ya lah, you happy can le. Slap some sense into your head. Curse your 16th generation. Pcb.

Dead end towards disappoinment.

2011-06-25T10:49:00.002+08:00

Sentimental and nostalgic feeling overpowers me. When all you get at the end is just plain disappointment, straight in your face. Many a times we do things that ends up paying a high price for it. Not that we want to but the phases in life has taught us to be skeptical towards people. We can face judgmental and stereotyped people who will stoop to anything to hurt our self-esteem but the point I'm bringing is, do you just give up? Do you just shove their despise towards you and do you think they're just doing this to spite the hell out of you? No, you're wrong. What I am trying to bring out is that in life, no matter who knocks you down, DON'T stay fallen. The going is never easy, I know but if you yourself don't have the willpower and courage to get back up, a zillion words of encouragement will eventually fall on deaf ears. I know how it feels like to be hidden behind everything. For me, even though I have an ashamed figure of friends, no money and a broken family, it's you that I feel sorry for. So, if you're not like me, start counting your blessings! Just how much have treasured what you have? Just how have you taken people for granted? Think again. Though I may not be the best to understand your predicament, I believe everyone deserves a shot at happiness. I thought through a lot and if I say all this without preaching what I practice, it's utter useless. I spent a lot of time backspacing and typing these words out. They are genuinely heartfelt words. Most importantly, I don't seek for anything. Trust me, it's best for you to burn your hellish past and go back to square one. Through this, I hope anyone who reads this will still find a glimmer of hope. Stay strong. -@stfuhid

P-P-P-P-PUT YOUR HANDS UP!

2011-06-22T11:19:00.008+08:00

It's not just another one of those days anymore.

Allowing my emotions to take control over me again. I could name a thousand reasons about my flaws and why people hate me. I know why I am not the one who gets loved unconditionally. I know why I've screwed the past 16 years of my life. But here I am trying to salvage things with the wrong cards on my hand. I've been fighting on for far too long because I wanna feel that I actually do exist. It's no longer how people take me for, it's about how I FEEL. Selfish? w h a t e v e r. How do I make others happy when I'm not? Just be fake and keep loving? I've been giving too much for too long. How can I practice what I preach? How can I make myself believe every cloud has a silver lining. Still care to help me? Don't bother, I'm a fucked up bitch. Leave me to despair in this self-absorbed world. Useless and disappointing. What a life.

Don't mess with @stfuhid

2011-06-19T21:31:00.002+08:00

So many things made me tear up again today though I tried my best not to. Endless family feuds, strained friendships and lost love. Sometimes, I can't bring myself to avoid negativity and embrace and appreciate what I have. So hard and so tiring. It wears me out sometimes, really. Heartfelt words but who really gives a fuck? Sadly, maybe no one. My emotions are so fucked up. All I need...is just a shoulder for me to lean on and let out my sorrow, my cries and my sighs. But the problem is, who is ever so willing to do that?

샤이니.

2011-06-18T14:35:00.002+08:00

Today is a quiet and lazy day. I have finally sorted out my study space as promised. All that's left is to start doing all my due assignments. Also, I sorta revamped my ranting space, which is my blog here. Just a few changes though. If I have the time, I shall do more. Pinky promise? Besides that, I would like to extend my sincere thanks to JE for giving the album. Though I really think we've kinda drifted apart, I'm really ecstatic that you remembered that I <3 Sunny (SNSD) and you'll be giving me the photocard. Can you feel my joy when I saw your text? No words can explain my gratitude. So....just thanks a lot love! Sidetrack again: Fucking mad chio July, faster come around. I wanna buy SFL's comeback album. Another piece of news, 4 more freaking days to their Japan debut! You probably won't understand all of whatever I've written down but all you need to know is that I'm the happiest girl, just for now. I decided to put all my insecurities aside and not let my mind be bogged down by my worries. No more crying the rivulets of tears. The going may be hard, but this time I am going through this strong. Dear readers, no matter whoever you may be, do cheer me on this journey. With lots of love, hidayah. :)

Wordless thursdays.

2011-06-16T15:15:00.002+08:00

Did I tell you how eggcited I am for their comeback?! FEEL MY EXCITEMENT. Sidetrack: I've been so caught up with my own virtual world that I neglected my school work. Like again. Procrastinations overwhelmed the empire state of my mind but I think I'm gonna let things be. Heading out to buy stuffs now! Ciaoz. Stay tuned. :)

You can say you're sorry, but I still don't care. If you're looking for forgiveness, you won't find it here.

2011-06-14T14:22:00.003+08:00

8 more days.
Every cloud has a silver lining. I have learn to take control of my emotions. So many things are happening and I'm of no help. Sad to say, I'm born skeptical. Not that I want to, but the phases I've been put through taught me to. I know the past few posts are all so... miserable. I'm sorry to anyone who's reading, it's just that, life haven't been on my side. And just that, sometimes I really feel like jumping off the cliff. Exhausted. My mind feels so put of place. I'm not upset, not angry, not screwed. Just drained from all the different episodes of drama I've gone through in just THREE months. It's just so fucking terrible. I don't know what IS wrong. I cannot pen down my thoughts anymore, I don't know how to express it. Just another facade.

Life can be hard at times, but you gotta keep your head held high and stay positive. Never let anyone bring you down. You're too strong for that.

2011-06-11T15:53:00.004+08:00

I have so much in mind but I have nowhere I want to start. Sometimes, when they say that ignorance is bliss, heed it. Don't regret. They are right, they are always right when they tell you, run as far as you can.

When you know of lesser things, you won't feel that pinch which might cause you to tumble from great height. Today was almost an end of harsh nightmare and a tomorrow would definitely be a beautiful day. I told myself that now and then everyday. Friends, true ones, I counted, how many do I know and I am very ashamed with the figures. They back-stabbed and gossiped, instead of protecting you.

I know, I know many of you are going through this now. I chose to think that there's nothing I can do about it, other than not speaking to them, which I think they are getting the hint. I swept them aside. I am not going to talk to them like how I used to. I just can't do it. It is so tired to put on a mask to pretend to like someone whom you don't even know anymore. Friends, how can "friends" be so brutal with words and what "friends" did behind you when you weren't around? If all you want was just getting famous, but with an ugly heart, darling, it is your downfall instead.

I don't and won't see myself spilling anything else to others because I'm pretty sure we're living in a world of pretense. I wish I could articulate my thoughts but never will I ever find the courage to pen it down or say it out. don't want to indulge in self-pity. Disgusted with myself, being in disguise, I lost my alter ego. It's a losing battle.

-H

When you ever fall down, always remember to pick yourself up again and stay strong. Just don't give up.

2011-06-08T16:23:00.005+08:00

(Please read on.) No matter how frustrated, bipolar or emotional I may be and no matter how sarcastic, difficult or disagreeable you can be, your words have far exceeded all that.

Loving a kpop group with all my heart is something you only understand when it happens to you. On the surface, others can see it as a petty obsession but they just will never know the feeling of putting so much faith into a few people on the other side of the world. It's hard to explain it to all of you. The listening to song after song on repeat, the wait for new albums, the excitement and surreal sensation when I get to see them live, you wouldn't understand why one group could matter to me so much. And I think to myself, 'Because they changed my life'. But yet, it fell on deaf ears. Who do you think you two are? You both are just some worthless words spite. All I wanted was just some form of basic respect and you can't even stoop to that level? Wake the fuck up.

Once and for all.

2011-06-03T20:22:00.007+08:00

Ahh, I haven't been updating. Don't have time for the virtual world. My holidays are packed with huge amount of workload. This week has gone by incredibly fast. I do wish for it to end though, or else I'll just compile my thoughts everyday if I face these 4 walls. My life has been chronic, having a daily dosage of different workload everyday. Why are you doing this to me, fucking mad chio June?! I even missed my HTW concert. For sure, I'll find time during this term break to go to CC with JQ to buy my stuffs. And maybe, de-stress myself with A next week? Seriously need an anti-stress painkiller. Till then, I am going through this strong. X

bad decisions make good stories.

2011-05-30T18:16:00.002+08:00

Oppressed by grey matters, stop living life like this H. It's not gonna work out. I lost my alter ego.

Rivulets of tears.

2011-05-29T11:32:00.004+08:00

I cannot pen down my thoughts anymore, I don't know how to express it. Just another facade. I've stop taking people for granted. I know I've changed, but you'll never know it. That's all for my chronic life. Save my drowning soul. I hate how my self-esteem drops all of a sudden. Can't wait to get over this year and play a little more. Migraine has been driving me nuts.

Life have been really mundane. No drama, which is good I guess. Simple and sweet. O levels in 1 day, I'm not going make it. Oh well. WHATEVER. Can I just die already? -_- Sigh. So afraid of exams. Worse of all, insecurities hitting me like a rocket. Having too many issues with myself. It has been a while though.

Am gonna go through this in one piece, strong. X

S a n e.

2011-05-28T13:37:00.004+08:00

Only Shawols will understand this. No harm if you readers wanna watch this though. Happy Saturday! <3